Essay Comments

The comments on my essay were very helpful. I learned that I need to proofread more carefully because I had some careless errors. I also need to work on expressing my ideas and analysis using conversational vocabulary. I realized my sentences do not flow as smoothly as they should and using more of a conversational writing style will help. I'm also missing a proper topic sentence for the first body paragraph, I used semicolons improperly (and should be using commas instead), I have a few sentence fragments, I need to remove the header on the first page, and i could use a better title. All together, i need to clean my essay up. My ideas are there but I need to work on expressing them clearly and smoothly.. and the grammar mistakes only reduce clarity. I may know what I'm trying to say but the reader does not.. so I now know that I need to be more aware of my grammar and the way I demonstrate my thoughts.